You know, Jason, I just don't know why. I feel like a child that is beaten but doesn't know why. What did I do wrong?
I keep hoping the seasons, the days- time, will make getting over you easier. But I think I'm looking for answers that I don't want. I don't want to get over you. I don't want to look back 1 year, 5 years, 10, and remember that day. Everything I do starts at a point- the day you were taken. Its my reference point.
The kids hate seeing me upset. I talk about you to them all the time. I tell them your likes and dislikes. Favorite foods or places to be. But they don't want to know. I think they really DO want to know, but its too painful to bring memories of you back to the surface of their tiny minds.
I lead a double life. Society does not allow widows to dwell. It does not allow me to remember you. It urges me, prods me to keep going. Hurry. Hurry. BUT at the same time, it berates me for trying to follow its advice and carry on, move on. If I smile, I am uncaring. If I cry, I'm weak.
I'm in the middle of a tug of war and can't release my binds. I plead for your touch, guidance- help.
I want to know the direction God wants me to take in life, but its so hard to concentrate on searching for that when life is so hussled. Life truly gets in the way with LIFE.
Please remember ME. I can't forget you. I love you. Close