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another day- nothing new  / Amy (wife)

I'm lost. My life has no direction. I am trying to raise the best children, the way you would want me to raise them. But I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I can't do good enough to live up to your standards. I'm sorry.
I have such big hopes for the kids and myself, but I feel like I take 1 step forward and many back. We just can't get ahead. What do we need to do to feel good again? Show me. PLEASE. I feel like every decision I make is wrong. ---And if I don't make a decision and stay idle, then that's wrong, too.
I take so many pictures, try to document everything. It never fails. Every time I download the camera, I find myself looking for a picture with you in it. Its so weird not having any new pictures of you- of everyone else, but not you. I want to update your site all the time with new additions, but I don't have any. No "bragging" rights as to what you've done new lately or where we've gone new together. There isn't anything new with you- with us. You're still gone; I'm still lost. I know I like routine and all, but this sucks!
I miss you so much. Every day I read what I've wrote to you previously- just to see if my feelings or thought processes have changed. They haven't. My life is lonely. I need a best friend like you. I love holding the kids and being with them. They are so perfect. They have so much of you in them. I love you.

Special Smile  / David A. Ford (Pastor)  Read >>
Special Smile  / David A. Ford (Pastor)
Jason always had a special smile.  No matter what he was going through, whenever I saw him, he had this neat little smile on his face.  It seems, to me, he was always trying to see the good in the situation and in people.  He wasn't that complicated of a person.  That is why I titled his funeral service "A Simple Man."  He was just that kind of a guy.  Simple.  Staight forward.  I know he loved his kids more than life itself.  There were times when I saw him sitting in his chair with a lap full of kids.  He couldn't have been happier.  I believe that if God allows us to look down from heaven on this world, He is doing so even now.  If he could send us any message, it would probably be to his kids and it would say two things: I love you and I am proud of you.  To the rest of us, I believe he would say, "Enjoy life to the fullest, for it is brief at best."

I anticipate seeing him again some day when I go to glory.

Pastor Dave Close
rainy today  / Amy (wife)  Read >>
rainy today  / Amy (wife)
You know, Jason, I just don't know why. I feel like a child that is beaten but doesn't know why. What did I do wrong?
I keep hoping the seasons, the days- time, will make getting over you easier. But I think I'm looking for answers that I don't want. I don't want to get over you. I don't want to look back 1 year, 5 years, 10, and remember that day. Everything I do starts at a point- the day you were taken. Its my reference point.
The kids hate seeing me upset. I talk about you to them all the time. I tell them your likes and dislikes. Favorite foods or places to be. But they don't want to know. I think they really DO want to know, but its too painful to bring memories of you back to the surface of their tiny minds.
I lead a double life. Society does not allow widows to dwell. It does not allow me to remember you. It urges me, prods me to keep going. Hurry. Hurry. BUT at the same time, it berates me for trying to follow its advice and carry on, move on. If I smile, I am uncaring. If I cry, I'm weak.
I'm in the middle of a tug of war and can't release my binds. I plead for your touch, guidance- help.
I want to know the direction God wants me to take in life, but its so hard to concentrate on searching for that when life is so hussled. Life truly gets in the way with LIFE.
Please remember ME. I can't forget you. I love you.

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school / Amy (wife)  Read >>
school / Amy (wife)
Jason-
Tomorrow our little Rams, your baby girl, starts kindergarten. She is so beautiful. Such a princess and so grown up. But I know you already know this. You're still here. You see her even more often than I do. You can be with her everywhere- all the time. Please stay by her side as she starts her school career. Kids can be so harsh. -And I know sooner or later she'll have to answer questions about where you are. Keep her strong- like the McVey's! Love and miss you, honey.
-Amy
P.S.
Thank you so much for your visit in my dreams last night. I need your encouragement and to know you're never leaving. Close
Your Birthday  / Amy (wife)  Read >>
Your Birthday  / Amy (wife)

Jas- Yesterday was your birthday. Happy 28th. I know you heard the babies sing Happy Birthday to you. I'm sorry its all I could do for you. Its just too hard anymore to suck it up and be courageous and carry on. Going to Neelands I have to confront your death. If I just stay away I can pretend you're just away at the Army or off someplace else.
Its raining this morning. Seems like any certain date that you are included in, it rains. But that also makes me wonder why it doesn't rain all the time 24/7. You might not be here physically, but EVERY DAY you are with me in my heart. I see glimpses of you through the babies.
I miss you.
I found out this morning that Heather and I have another addition to our group. Kami's husband was killed last weekend. When I looked at his picture and saw his tan and purple cap and round glasses and then read they were married nearly 5 years and have 3 babies, I came apart.
Why are families being torn apart like this? Divorce and other problems we choose to have are just that- worldly- choices. Death is not a choice. Its undescribable. I just can't comprehend why any higher being would take children from their devoted, loving, GOOD daddies. W H Y?
Life sucks without you, Jason. Please visit me more and lead me.

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hi / Amy (wife)  Read >>
hi / Amy (wife)

Hi Jas!
I feel like I haven't talked to you forever. Or felt you nearby. I want you to be back home again so bad. Its terrible without you. Life is not happy like it was when you were here. Sleep does not replenish us. Our nightmare is still very real when we awake.
The kids and I need you back. We need to be reassured that someone loves us. We need to know we are safe and that we have someone here that will protect us. We need to feel important in someone else's life. We need to feel like we are worth something.
Work has been so stressful lately. Its rewarding, but so hard to stay on top of things when I know I won't have you to come home to. To care about what I've done. To really listen and be interested in me.
I miss having a best friend. I miss having someone who wants to be by my side. To experience life with me.
The kids miss having your quiet assurance. They miss knowing that what they accomplish will not go unnoticed. They miss having someone tell them that they are good.
I try to help them the best I can, but its difficult to be a part of a household and a career and still have energy for all those extracurricular things that make life so meaningful. I am so tired.
Please help us.

Love,
Amy

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